Beautiful Again
by wild-angel82
Summary: Just something that came to me when I was listening to the song "Beautiful Again" by Michael Kisur… Emily is going to love JJ until JJ feels beautiful again.


A/N: I'm baaaaack! (if anyone cares, hehe :D) The last couple of months have been a bit hectic for me and didn't have that much time to write, but now I'm back with tons of new ideas and hopefully tons of new stories. To start off, a little oneshot that I hope you will enjoy. It's a little angsty, but I can't seem to be able to avoid the angst for some reason… I hope you will like it anyway though!

Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or its characters. I wish I did, though.

**Beautiful Again**

The first time she shows up at your doorstep at 3am you're a little confused and not quite sure what is going on or why she's there. But you let her in without even thinking, because she just looks at you with those blue eyes of hers, and you can't help but simply give her whatever she thinks that she needs.

She enters your apartment and as you close the door behind her, you are surprised to see her already sitting on your couch. It has always baffled you how comfortable she feels at your place, but you have never really questioned it. It's just the way it has always been. Whenever she would visit you, she would just feel at home, and you've never really minded. You have always enjoyed her company, even at 3am. Even if it killed you to know that she has to leave the bed she shares with _him_ before she can come and talk to you.

"I don't know if I made the right choice by agreeing to marry him." She tells you and you have to bite your lips to stop yourself from screaming 'Of course you didn't make the right choice!' But you know that you can't tell her that, because that would just confuse her and cause her more pain, and the last thing you want is to hurt her. Even if it means that you have to set your own feelings aside.

"You don't honestly expect me to be the one to tell you if you did." You reply, a little cold, because as much as you love her, you really have no idea what it is that she wants from you. "You should be able to make a decision that is right for you. I thought this is what you wanted." You look at her questioningly as you sit on the couch beside her.

"I thought so too." She admits. "But now I'm not so sure."

"Why?" You ask her and you are almost too afraid to hear the answer. You know she is not going to tell you the truth. At least not the truth you want to hear. You know better than to believe that she's going to take you in her arms and tell you that she can't marry him, because she loves you. You wish with your whole heart that it was true, and sometimes when you look into her eyes you think that it might be, but you know that she is never going to admit it. Not while she's pregnant with his baby and he's pushing for marriage and she so desperately wants to do what's right for everybody. Except that the only thing that is right for her is to leave him and be her own person again. Not for you, not because you love her, but for her. Because you look at her and you don't see a woman who is even remotely happy about the prospect of marrying the father of her child. You see a woman in a situation she doesn't know how to get out of. And though leaving Will seems like such a simple solution, you know that it's not the way she sees it.

"I just…" She begins and you can see how much she is struggling. "I thought I wanted to be with him, but the more I think about it, the more it scares me to think that I would be spending my whole life with him. And I've never been engaged before, but I'm pretty sure it's not the way it's supposed to feel."

_Of course not_, you wanna tell her, but instead you smile and say "I'm sure you're just nervous about the whole marriage thing. It can be scary, you know? The idea of spending your entire life with the same person. I'm sure you're gonna be fine." You smile, as if trying to convince both her and yourself that everything is going to be fine, even though you know it's not. Not for you and not for her either, judging by the look in her eyes.

"It's the right thing to do, right?" She looks at you as if trying to get an affirmation. And you want to tell her that the only right thing to do is for her to do what's right for her. And that you know this is not the right thing for her, because if it was, she wouldn't be sitting on your couch at 3am instead of sleeping in her fiance's arms. But she's so intent on doing what's right for the baby that you simply don't know how to tell her that she's making a huge mistake. And you hate yourself for being so weak and scared to tell her how you really feel about the whole situation. You know that no matter what happens, she is not going to come to that conclusion herself, but you can't risk complicating her life even more by telling her how you feel. So you just let come to your place at odd hours of the night, telling you how unsure she is about marrying Will, crying on your shoulder, because she doesn't know what to do. And sometimes you wonder if those nightly visits are a desperate cry for help on her part. You wonder if she comes to you, because subconsciously she wants for someone to tell her not to marry him. But you are not going to make that decision for her, even if it breaks your heart.

_In the quiet of the night all his words fill your head_

_You were never good enough for the man you can't forget_

_So he takes you from yourself and the things that you could be_

'_Cause even mirrors tell their lies if you're told what you should see_

_But that's not the real you, it's time to see the truth_

_I'm gonna love you, I'll give you everything I am_

_I'm gonna love you, until you feel beautiful again_

"Will wants me to quit my job when the baby is born." She tells you and you are shocked at how calmly she says it. You are appalled that he would even dare to have a thought like that, let alone communicate it to anyone, especially to her. If he was there right now, you would punch him so hard that he would forget what his damn name was. You wish he and his stupid, ridiculous ideas would just disappear.

It's sometime between 1 and 4am and the two of you are sitting on the couch in your living room again.

"You told him to shove it, I presume?" You reply and look at her carefully. You know that there is no way JJ would ever quit her job, unless it was absolutely necessary. Certainly not because some dufus thinks she should stay at home and take care of the baby. Even if the dufus is the baby's father and her husband.

"Not in so many words." She laughs. "But yes, I told him that it's not going to happen."

"Good." You are proud of her for standing up for herself. Because you know that no matter what, JJ will find a way to be a great mother and an equally great communications liaison for the BAU. She doesn't always give herself enough credit, but you know that she can do anything. As long as there is no one to tell her what she should or shouldn't be. You hate him for trying to make her into something that she's not. You hate him for trying to take her away from a job that she loves and is damn good at, even if it is for the sake of a child. She wouldn't be the first woman in America to have a career and be a wonderful mom and you hate him for trying to make her think that she can't do both or that one somehow excludes the other.

You study her face intently and you suddenly realize that it's not the end of the story.

"He got mad." She finally tells you and you can see in her eyes that she doesn't know how to tell you anything more. "Really mad."

"He didn't hurt you, did he?" You ask, almost too afraid to hear the answer.

"God no!" She replies and you breathe a sigh of relief. You would kill the bastard if he ever laid a hand on her, this much you know. "He just seems to have a really strong opinion about it." She explains.

"Well didn't you discuss it before you got married?" You ask, indeed surprised that they hadn't had that discussion earlier.

"I didn't think we need to. I just assumed that he knew how important my job is for me. " She says sadly and you can't believe that he doesn't know that. Or maybe he does know, but he doesn't care, because he thinks he and JJ have to be whatever kind of a family that he thought they would or should be. Which is clearly not what JJ has envisioned.

"Ouch!" Your thoughts are interrupted when you see JJ wince in pain.

"What is it? Are you OK?" You ask concerned as you gently place your hand on her shoulder.

"I'm fine." She breathes heavily as you see her put both her hands on her stomach. "The baby just kicked and it was a huge one." She explains. "Come on, feel it." She tells you and before you know it she takes your hand and places it on her stomach. Your heart starts beating faster and you don't think you can do it, but when you see the smile on her face, you decide that you can do it for her. And as you sit there with your hand on her stomach, feeling her and Will's son kick like crazy, you are once again very painfully reminded about the why you can never be with the only person that you really wanna be with. And you instantly hate yourself for thinking like this, because as you look at JJ, you know that you are going to love this little boy with your whole heart, because he is a part of her. And you can see how much she already loves her son and you would never want to take that joy away from her.

_He's the thief inside your heart doing crime every day_

_But I'm in your heart too and there's no way he's gonna stay_

_I won't let an angel down, 'cause you were meant to fly_

_You've been stuck here on the ground believin' all his lies_

_But I see the real you, it's time you see it too_

_I'm gonna love you, I'll give you everything I am_

_I'm gonna love you, until you feel beautiful again_

"Hi, can I come in?" She asks standing at your doorstep and you wonder why she even bothers asking. She already knows the answer and as if remembering that, before you are able to say anything, you see her going inside and straight to the couch that she seems to love so much.

It has been months since she last came to you, but it doesn't really surprise you. Ever since Henry was born, she hasn't spent much time away from him, and she certainly wouldn't leave him home in the middle of the night just to talk to you. So you're surprised to see her, nevertheless it makes you glad that she still seems to feel safe in the comfort of your apartment and in your company.

"Will took Henry to New Orleans to see his family." She explains. "He wanted me to go with him, but I told him that I had to work." You know it's a lie, after all the two of you work together, so you wonder what is the real reason why JJ didn't go. She must know what you're thinking, because she adds "I just couldn't go with him and play a happy family, when in reality we are far from it. Ever since I put my foot down about the job thing, he seems so disappointed in me. " She complains, but even if she hasn't just volunteered that piece of information, you still would have been able to tell that something is wrong. Because you can see it in her eyes. You can see that she's not happy and the only time that her eyes light up is when she is with her son or talks about it. Apart from that, nothing ever seems to make her happy.

"Has he actually told you that? That he's disappointed?" You ask, thinking that if he has, he might have just given you one more reason to want to kill him.

"Not really." She admits and takes a deep breath. "It's just the way he looks at me. Like I'm not the woman he thought I was."

"And who did he think you were?" It almost makes you laugh at how ridiculous Will sounds. "Didn't you guys meet on the job? Did he really think that having a baby was going to turn you into a perfect little housewife?"

"I don't know." She sighs. "Besides, it's not just the job. It's everything. I don't know what to do to stop him from looking at me like I somehow deceived him. Like our life is not the way he thought it would be and that it's my fault."

You look into her eyes and you see how much she blames herself for whatever it is that is wrong in her marriage. And the stupid naïve part of you wants to hold on to hope that what's wrong in JJ's marriage is the fact that she's in love with someone else, which would kind of make everything her fault, wouldn't it? But the other part of you wants her to stop blaming herself, because she couldn't have possibly done anything that would make him disappointed in her. How could anyone ever be disappointed n her? She's a wonderful friend, an fantastic mom, and a damn good FBI agent. She always puts everybody else first and keeps giving and giving, even if she doesn't get anything back. Whoever tells her that she's anything short of amazing should be shot.

_I won't let you down, my love is here to stay_

_I'm gonna give you back all the things he had to take_

_You've got the sweetest eyes and the biggest heart_

_But you don't see the miracle you are_

"I told Will that I can't do this anymore." She's standing at your doorstep again, but this time it's 3pm and she has Henry with her and you know that this time is different than all the other times she has come to your apartment. Or maybe you just want it to be different. Maybe you're sick of her sneaking out of her husband's bedroom to go and talk to you and then sneaking back before he wakes up. Maybe you're sick of holding back tears every time she leaves, sick of imagining her in bed with him while you stay at your place alone drinking yourself to sleep. Maybe you want her to come to you and finally decide to never leave.

So maybe it's wishful thinking, but maybe, just maybe, you really do see something different in her eyes this time. She must notice slight confusion in your eyes, because she hesitantly takes a step back, not really sure if she's still welcome. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have…" She begins, but you don't let her finish.

"Now don't be stupid and get in there." You tell her, but she still is a little bit unsure of what to do.

"My bag is in the car." She finally manages to say and you realize that this time really is different from all the other times. She keeps standing at the doorstep, waiting for you to say or do something.

"I'll get it." You offer as she hands you the key and without any more encouragement from you enters your apartment. You go to the trunk of her car and take out the bag. When you go back inside, you see her and Henry sitting on the floor of your living room, with her showing her son different things in the room. You smile at the sight as you close the door behind you.

"Thank you." She says, referring to the bag, which you now place on the floor next to the couch.

"No problem." You reply as you walk over to them and sit on the floor, still keeping your distance, but close enough to interact with her and Henry.

"Hey sweetie." You greet him as you kiss the top of his head. He looks at you and smiles and you wanna believe that it's because he knows who you are. You can't believe how much he looks like her. The eyes, the smile, everything… "He's getting so big." You say as you shoot JJ a soft smile. She smiles back and you realize that for the first time in a really long time you see that spark in her eyes that you love so much. The same spark that's been so dim recently. But now it's definitely there again, and it almost makes you wanna cry when you see it.

"What?" You hear her ask and you realize that you must have a very stupid expression on your face.

"Nothing." You sort of lie. You don't need to tell her the whole truth right now. "I'm just glad that you're here." You say and you realize the way it must have sounded. "I mean I'm not glad that you and Will are… whatever you are, but…"

"I know." She smiles and before you can explain that you really are not glad that she is hurting because of her problems with Will, she tells you "I'm glad I'm here too." And when you look at her playing with her son in the middle of your living room, you think that she might actually be telling you the truth.

"So, you hungry?" You ask as you head for the kitchen to see what you can possible offer her to eat. "I'm not sure I have anything decent, though." You add and when you open the fridge, you realize that you really don't.

"I'm good." You hear her call from the living room. "We can go shopping later." She says and for a moment you forget about why she's here and concentrate at how amazing it feels to be making plans with her. Any plans.

As you reenter the living room, you can see JJ standing next to her bag with Henry in her arms. "I was wondering where I should put this? It's kind of ruining your living room." She adds with a laugh and you can't help but feel so happy to hear her laughing again.

"The guest bedroom will be fine." You tell her as you grab the bag again. "You know the way, right?" You ask, but you know that she does.

"Yeah." She confirms and the two of you make your way to the room. When you enter, JJ looks around and becomes a little uneasy. You can see that something is bothering her again. "I'm really sorry about this, Emily. I didn't mean to just drop in on you like that, but I…"

"Don't." You interject. "Don't feel like need a reason." And she really doesn't. You're just happy that she's there, however long it's going to last. "You know you can stay here as long as you need. And I'll get Henry's travel bed from the storage room later."

"Thank you." She replies as a small smile spreads across her face. "For everything." She adds, but you know she didn't mean just the room. And you're glad that you're able to help her however she needs to be helped. It means the world to you that you're the person she turns to for comfort in a situation like this. And you know it's selfish of you to be happy right now and you really don't like yourself because of it, but you can't help feeling so content when you look at JJ unpacking her things in your guest bedroom.

"I know you said you weren't hungry, but how about a good cup of coffee?" You finally offer, partly because you need a reason to leave JJ alone for a while, but you don't want or maybe you simply can't just leave.

"Sure, that sounds great." She tells you and you make your way back to the kitchen. Fifteen minutes later the coffee is ready and you see JJ entering the kitchen with Henry in her arms. And when she sits at your kitchen table and takes the coffee that you have prepared for her, you realize that this really is different than all the other times. And even though you don't know yet how long she's going to stay, you do know one thing. Even if she decides to leave, it won't be to go back to him. And for now, that's enough for you.

_I'm gonna love you, I'll give you everything I am_

_I'm gonna love you, until you feel beautiful again_

_Until you feel beautiful again_


End file.
